off campus

My Blue Shirt

2011-03-27T13:05:00.000-07:00

I woke up one morning and noticed a touching scene between two of my shirts. The shirt on the right was feeling a little blue so the shirt on the left reached out to him. "Lefty" seems to be saying "Hang in there...things will get better. Winter is almost over. Soon it will be summer and you'll be going outside again and off to exciting places!"

What is your interpretation of this scene?
Should it have made it as a nomination clip in the oscars?

Disclaimer: I promise I did not intentionally set this up. It must have occurred while I vacantly hung up laundry to dry.

Part Inspiration...Part Perspiration

2009-03-23T11:21:00.000-07:00

I was inspired by the wonderfully worded blog I read on a friends blog today.

I have also heard a scary rumor that if you stop posting your blog may be deleted.

So here is a placeholder blog just to keep my options open for the future.

Life Is...

2008-08-05T13:19:00.001-07:00

I’ve always heard many sayings about life. They include:

Life is a sport
Life is a sonnet
Life is a journey
Life is a test
Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans

I’ve decided my life is an outtake. It’s like the director just kept rolling no matter how bad I mess up my lines. You ever wish you could claim an outtake and re-shoot something. Just think of a time you put you’re foot in your mouth or a really awkward doorstep scene at the end of a date. That’s pretty much what my life is. It’s one really long awkward scene. Fortunately for me I enjoy laughing at outtakes because c’mon they're absurdly funny. Sure sometimes you feel bad for the actor and wonder if he’ll ever get it right, but then another outtake happens and you find yourself laughing so hard that you cry.

Sometimes pondering my life
causes me to shoot milk out my nose.

Sometimes pondering my life causes me to shoot milk out my nose. Shakespeare once said that all the world’s a stage. He could have added, “and some guys have alotta outtakes.” I’m just glad I’m not in a tragedy.

Test 1...2...Test...1...2

2008-07-31T15:28:00.000-07:00

This is a test. This is only a test, had this been a real blog posting you would have experienced laughter, tears, or uncontrollable giggling.

Most likely you would have read something deeply poignant which would forever alter the course of your life. Or, if you were a beautiful single girl, you would have instantly found yourself irresistibly attracted to the author of this blog.

My Mission Pres Part 2

2008-07-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

At the funeral I discovered that my Mission President had been fighting cancer for the last 5 years. I was not aware of this even though I had seen him less than a year ago. I’m grateful that last Fall I was able to attend the “unofficial missionary reunion” at his house. At that time I was able to visit and laugh with him. I had always regretted not getting to know him well on the mission; however, on this occasion I learned that he had really gotten to know me while I was a missionary and that made us closer than I had realized. I shook his hand, and he gave me a hug and a warm smile. I didn’t know it then, but that was the last time I would see him alive.

At the funeral I saw many photos of him at various ages and locations. Suddenly, one particular photo literally stopped me in my tracks and gripped my interest. For some, this photo would simply appear to be Michael and his wife bundled up and smiling on the edge of a cold coast somewhere. Others might recognize the cloth cap and venture a guess as to the location. For me, the photo was an instant window to my former forgotten home of England. Emotion swept over me like a crashing tide. For a brief moment my memories felt tangible. I felt the familiar embrace of the cold misty air of England. I could feel it on my face, smell it in the air, and taste it on my lips. I couldn’t help but smile. It was real again. I did not dream my experiences their, but shared them with real people. We had all been part of something special. As the misty memories began to dispel, I held on to keep a few for myself. Who can blame me for trying to trap some of the precious mist in my eyes?

Although I rarely speak of England anymore, it still speaks to me. There’s no real way I could explain all that I experienced there, but I will try to explain a part of it with the following quote:

“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the self-same well from which your laughter rises was often-times filled with your tears.” --Kahlil Gibran

Remembering My Mission President part 1

2008-07-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

Normally my blog consists of random thoughts that occur to me during my life. While all of these posts are a valid part of who I am they are usually light hearted and seldom delve into serious matters. So this is a warning to my regular readers (both of you) that the next two posts will be uncharacteristically serious. I’m serious.

On July 12^th I attended the funeral services of my 2^nd Mission President. This post contains a few highlights from an entry I made in my journal following this experience. I just wanted to publicly express my gratitude for President Michael R. Hinckley and my mission to England.

I remember finding out who are next mission president was going to be long before the other church members. When asked by members, I would often tease them by simply saying, “Haven’t you heard? It will be President Hinckley. He’s coming here.” If any of you are wondering, the answer is yes. He is a cousin to the former Prophet and was a pal bearer at the funeral of President Gordon B. Hinckley. He is also the grandfather of Kirsten Hinckley who was one of the victims in the 2007 Trolley square shooting. For the rest of this post I shall only be referring to my mission president in order to avoid confusion

President Hinckley was my mission president for about 3/4’s of my mission. Prior to this, he had served a mission in England as a young man. When speaking of it he would often say this, “When I came on my mission we took the boat here to England, but at the end of my mission we took the plane home.” I still remember his sense of humor when he spoke to us in zone conference about grooming standards. He said, “Elders, there’s a little thing called shoe polish…and it would look a whole lot better on your shoes then on your heads. That’s all I have to say about that.” He then proceeded to give a great talk on missionary work. Another favorite thing he always said was, “Work works, hard work works better, and work is fun.” I cannot recall many of his words, but I easily remember how I felt in those meetings. I’m sure most missionaries can recall the powerful spirit that attends missionary meetings.

Only got 4 minutes to save the World?

2008-07-01T05:12:00.001-07:00

So Madonna and Just Timberlake combined their powers to make a song just interesting enough for me to stop and think about it. So here was my thought:

If I only had four minutes to save the world, I would relax and take it easy for the first three minutes

(I work best under pressure)

Nerdom Issue #1 (Collectable)

2008-07-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

So I proudly initiated a nerd conversation with my friend the other day. For those who are new to “Nerd Conversations” I will explain. Nerd conversations are usually devoid of sports, current events, or feelings. They usually delve into nerd philosophies of imaginary things (Basically, things that don’t really matter or make sense). For example, a topic might be “If Superman fought Batman who would win?” I derived this example from witnessing a real life discussion between a BYU student and a professor. Here are some highlights from the conversation:

Professor X: “Superman would totally win! He could see Batman from outer space and even through planets. Then he would just fry batman with beams from his eyes. Zap! Batman’s dead.”

Boy Wonder: “Batman has Kryptonite which is Superman’s weakness. Batman’s super smart and as far as we know doesn’t really have a weakness.”

Professor X: “In the Batman movie Michael Keaton didn’t even have a neck. He had to turn his whole body just to turn his head.”

Boy Wonder: “OH so you wanna bring movies into it huh? What about Superman fathering an illegitimate child in Superman Returns. Where’s your role model now man!”

(The names have been changed to keep the nerd identities secret. Like Spiderman, nerds believe secret identities keep their loved ones safe from their enemies. And nerds will always have enemies…Always.)

Wow this blog is all full up with extreme nerdness. I’ll paraphrase my nerd conversation in my next blog. Tune in next blog, same nerd time same nerd channel. Seriously I don’t think it can contain…much more… social life… slowly dying …force be with…Comicon…beam me up...autobots rollout...

This is just a Tribute

2008-05-19T14:15:00.001-07:00

This is not the greatest blog of this week. This is just a Tribute.

I have a friend.
He started blogging.
I like his banner along the top.

Here's the link:

http://marcusbowers.wordpress.com/

The Hogwarts Fine Art Center

2008-01-29T17:03:00.000-08:00

It’s interesting that a large percentage of BYU bachelor’s are banished to the Clyde and crab tree buildings. By the same token a lot of marriage hungry girls (aka MFHD majors) spend all their time in the JFSB. I think if BYU somehow made them inhabit the same building than an unprecedented number of engagements would occur. Not at first of course; because both genders would have to get used to seeing the opposite sex on a daily basis.

I think the one place on campus that has the most balanced ratio of genders would have to be the HFAC. Now before you change majors or start hanging out in there, I must warn you. The HFAC is a very strange place! Every time I walk in there I feel like I’m visiting Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry. First off, there are always people wearing strange robes, hats, and scarves. Some of these scarves even say Hogwarts or display the various colors of the different “Hogwarts Houses”. These odd people always seem to be muttering to themselves or vocalizing strange incantations with great volume and determination. Many of them are even holding wands whether they are conducting music, painting pictures, or perhaps just dueling.

And what sort of Hogwarts School would it be if I didn’t often hear ghostly singing howl its way through the corridors from some unseen place. The HFAC is complete with very unusual staircases, eccentric individuals, and classrooms that are so difficult to find they seem to vanish and reappear as if by some spell. P.S. if you have trouble with the stairs just remember that in order to move upwards you must often step down a few steps proceeding up.

At this point I will caution you again__not to get distracted by all the paintings on the walls or you may find you have wandered up into dark towers or down to the creepy dungeon. Once on the lowest level, your chances of finding your way back out becomes difficult as you will be wandering through a virtual labyrinth of passageways, doors, and individuals that are so strange they rarely venture up to the service. I am convinced that some of these “basement dwellers” were once like you and me. Sadly, they have played so many roles in so many basement plays that they have lost all touch with reality. These disoriented souls hardly know who they are anymore or what their original hair color was.

Lastly, if you find yourself doubting my comparison between Hogwarts and the HFAC, simply walk into the HFAC and ask someone about a boy named “Harry Potter.” In this world he is extremely famous and all you encounter will be able to tell you about “The boy who lived” and all of his adventurous exploits. Many of them (girls) will even have posters of him and giggle if you point this out. And so I will leave you with this parting wisdom, do not venture into the enchanted halls of the HFAC lightly, unless you wish to die a most tragic social death.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz............

2007-10-17T15:40:00.000-07:00

So I tend to write guitar songs that are kinda boring. Sometimes they almost put me to sleep while I'm playing them. So, I thought of a solution! I would write a lullabye song directed at children. The whole point of the song is to put people to sleep. I figure why fight it?

I haven't decided the name of it yet but I'm leaning towards Rambling.

It means: to wander around in a leisurely, aimless manner. Which to me reminds me of they way people wander through dreams.

On another note, I love being around animators in my gesture drawing class, because they can be so unusual. For example, I'm talking to one guy and he starts his conversation by saying, "I've been having alot of post-apocolyptic dreams lately." My response, "You have my attention."

Two timing

2007-09-18T15:24:00.000-07:00

I know what your thinking. How can Brad start another blog when he doesn't even keep up with his current one. The truth of the matter is that I actually started it a while ago but realized I never had a link to it from this blog. So this post is to announce a new link entitled: My Artwork
located just right of this post under the Links menu.

Now you can get another look into my mind as you view my ideas expressed visually. I do warn you that too much delving into my mind can produce harmful side effects. You may experience Nausea, uncontrollable laughter, nervous crying, or utter insanity. If confused seek advice from one of my family members or close friends, they have become masters at deciphering what I'm thinking.

No Longer Homeless.......YAY ,YAY.....yeah!

2007-08-31T12:41:00.000-07:00

So I officially moved into my new apartment yesterday. To fill you in, there was a gap between when my old apartment kicked everyone out and when my new apartment allowed me to move in.
The gap amounted to 10 days. I managed to stay at various friends places and despite a few close calls, I can honestly say that I never slept in my car. So, this being the second time in my life that I've been homeless, I managed to pick up a few "pebbles" of wisdom. I know it should be "pearls" but when you're homeless pearls are hard to find. So here's what I learned:

Always carry around a toothbrush in your back pocket
Cheese Nips do not constitute a full meal. Also they do not constitute 2 full meals.

That’s really all I learned. That and...Don’t be homeless. You don't eat very well and you feel like a mooch. Plus there is always a huge amount of BYU students displaced (homeless) around this time of year so good sleeping spots fill up fast. I thought about establishing an organization entitled "Befriending the Homeless" but now that I'm no longer homeless I lost the motivation.

1993 to 1997

2007-07-17T13:51:00.000-07:00

You ever wonder why you're parents seem trapped in a certain decade of music? Perhaps they had just got really into music at the start of that decade, but then got too busy with life to stay really into it. Perhaps one day an Oldies station will be playing the music that came out when I was in Highschool, then I will smile as I turn up the radio and say to my kids, "I'll never forget when this came out." Perhaps there are a few songs you feel that way about. You hear them and suddenly you are transported in time. Everyone swears that music was the best during the years they were in Highschool. I don't know if anyone can truly make that claim, but I do submit the following list as evidence. True I know Areosmith came out long before 93, but that was when they came out with a lot of their big hits. The rest of the bands may have formed in a garage somewhere, but they hit it big in the years listed. I could not list every great song that came out between 93' and 97' but if you're curious you can find a rough timeline for some of the great tunes that came out...when I was in Highschool.

Bands that became big between 1993 and 1997
(8th grade to 12th)

93 Areosmith Formed in the 70s,huge hit videos with Alicia
93 Nirvana Mainstream success
93 Weezer early days debuted the Blue Album in 94
93 Everclear Two mainstream releases
93 Smashing Pumpkins broke into mainstream with their 2nd album
93 Collective Soul First album Shine became #1
93 Dave Mathews Band releases its first album
93 Oasis is discovered by a recording label
93 Modest Mouse Formed, 96 debuted album
93 Jimmy Eat World Formed
93 Presidents of the U.S. Formed
93 Blink 182 Records first demo tape, 94 first album
93 Cranberries 1st breakthrough album If you like em
94 Beck makes a breakthrough to mainstream with Loser
94 The Offspring Hit mainstream with their album smash
94 Bush Sixteen Stone
94 Our Lady Peace If you like em
94 Stone Temple Pilots Purple
94 Green Day Debuts the Dookie album
94 Live has their breakthrough album
94 Snow Patrol Formed
95 Foo Fighters Formed
95 No Doubt gains mainstream success
95 Alanis Morissette mainstream w/ Jagged Little Pill
95-97 Goo Goo Dolls mainstream
96 Butthole Surfers breakthrough album
97 Coldplay Performing in small clubs
97 Death Cab for Cutie Formed
97 The White Stripes Formed
96-97 Sublime Huge success

Feel free to suggest other bands I may have left out. Or plead you're cause why I should have left out one on the list

Feeling Old in a Young Town

2007-07-09T03:00:00.000-07:00

So I just turned 28 a few days ago. I am still in a college town working to graduate this December. No not a masters, but a bachelor's (in every sense of the word). Yep this December, I'll show all the skeptics that the 10 year plan is paying off!

I didn't really feel any older until a couple of days later when I had chest pain due to an irregular heart beat. My heart used to beat steady like a drum, but now it beats more like a rhythm challenged 3yr old. If Life is a Song, my percussionist is off.

Denny's the Dive

2007-07-09T02:00:00.000-07:00

I know you're probably thinking Denny's was always a dive. You're right, except now they are a higher priced dive. Remember when the Grand Slam was only $1.99 now it’s only
$6.19 can you believe it! Somehow it just doesn't feel Grand anymore. Perhaps they should change its name to "In the Park home Run" or maybe, "A Close Called Foul"

Ironic that the prices have risen while the caliber of employees has dropped. Denny's has now managed to make my list of top 5 worst customer service experiences of all time. I should add that I lived outside of America for 2 years in countries where they don't even know what customer service means. I wonder if Denny's was named after a guy named Denny. I think if I ever meet a Denny I'm going to deck him just in case. (Even if he's wearing a GUI) I think Denny's will now become a part of my vocabulary. I will now use it as an interchangeable synonym in the following list:

Complete Mess
Screwed Up beyond recognition
Brokeback

Tip you ask? Here's a tip don't go to Denny's

2 For 1

2007-05-08T14:12:00.000-07:00

I’m aware I just posted less than 5 minutes ago, but to be perfectly honest…I’ve missed blogging. So this post is like that second stone you toss down the dark hole. You listened intently for a response with the first stone, but it never it hit bottom. True you only waited mere seconds before dropping the second one, but it’s just so fun to throw rocks!

So my friend, Downtown Brown, told me she was going to take self defense this summer, but she dropped it because the Gui costs $30 bucks. She said, “What’s the point, it’s not like I’ll be wearing it when I’m attacked on the street.” Then it hit me! Not her amateur unschooled judo chop, but an idea. Why not just buy the Gui instead of taking the class. People buy security alarm signs all the time without installing the actual alarm. Just wear the Gui when you go jogging at night. As an added bonus, you’re wearing all white so no cars will hit you either. If following my idea, be sure to purchase something other than a white belt. To be honest, if I saw someone walking down the street wearing a white belt I would take it as more of a challenge. My thoughts would be, “Hmmm I wonder if I could take that guy?” or “I wonder how much he knows?” or “Perhaps I should get in a few punches now before he becomes a black belt later.”

Just Another Regularly Scheduled Blog

2007-05-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

Most delinquent bloggers return to posting with a determination to never allow their blog to lapse again. They may even vow that from now on things will be different! From now on nothing will stop them from blogging! I, on the other hand, am making no such promise. Should the four month frenzy of school rear its ugly head again, I will be gone. There will be no message, blog, or note. No comforting words that state, “Involved in school be back in 4 months.” I will simply be gone. Then, maybe, just maybe, one day I’ll return.

Now having lowered all your expectations, I plan on posting all year long and not taking as many credits next fall. Ya see, I took 17.5 credits this last semester and worked. I also missed the last week of school just before finals. I’m sure many of you have experienced stressful times when you have a lot on your plate. Perhaps school is on your plate, or a troubling relationship, or quite simply a lot of greasy food from Shoney’s buffet. When that time comes its important to learn from your experience. What did I learn? Be careful when dishing up buffet food, signing up for classes, or taking the relationship to the next level. Often your eyes are bigger than your stomach and you may wind up with a stomach ache, headache, or even heartache.

And now a brief apology to all those whose mouse clicking finger is aching from checking my blog. To all you loyal bloggers who have been painstakingly checking my blog lo these many months; I sincerely apologize…to both of you.

Dragged Into the Late 90's

2007-01-05T16:58:00.000-08:00

With the help of my friend, Brad, I recently sold my first item on Ebay. I'm addicted! I totally want to sell a bunch more stuff and maybe even bid on other people's stuff. What sort of stuff? Well who wouldn't want a slightly used pair of Dockers with designer holes? Sure it might not sell in 48 hours like my previous item, but the bidding would be exciting. Ebay is the greatest garage sale of all time! It never ends, there's no funny smell, and you don't have the embarrassment of people driving by and seeing you buy someone else's junk. There are not even weird looking people who mutter to themselves.

To think, I could unload all my junk onto other people and make money while I do it. Sometimes I wish I could pawn a relationship off onto someone else. Wouldn't it be great if instead of going through a messy break up, someone else could just take over? They would pay for the bus ticket out of town and all you would have to do is send your ex-boy/girlfriend packing (along with all her emotional baggage). On second thought, that’s a really bad idea. I think I'll just stick to selling inanimate objects. Any one want a mint condition copper relief sculpture of our Nations beloved 16th president?

Farewell to Sleeves

2007-01-03T12:51:00.000-08:00

In my youth I grew out of my clothes constantly. I always felt bad having to say goodbye to an almost new shirt because it no longer fit. Then, Suddenly, I stopped (growing). It's great; I never grow out of shoes or clothes. This means I never get rid of anything until it falls apart, escapes, or is thrown away at an intervention held in my honor.

So my friend at work, we'll just call her Pam, commented on my Dockers having holes in both knees. Pam said, "It may be time to throw those away." I told her I would if three more people commented on them. Later, the same day I got up to get a drink and my friend, we'll call her Ashley, tapped me on the shoulder to let me know that there was a hole in the back of my pants. I reached back and felt a hole the size of my fist! How long had it been there? I dunno. How did I not notice it? I dunno. Why didn't the girls that normally check me out at work let me know about the hole? I dunno. All I know is that I had been wearing them all day at work and the day before all day.

I escaped into the bathroom with the office stapler and quickly began stapling the hole together.
I returned from the bathroom to a familiar site. Yep! An intervention of co-workers telling me to toss the docks. So I did, but I had to take a photo to remember them by. I'll be posting it soon. To honor them I present the following:

Farewell my docks
Letting go was not easy
Many years you were comfy
And always nice and breezy

I'm Keeping My Promise

2006-12-29T09:17:00.000-08:00

A while ago I promised Petunia that I would post this picture from a birthday party I attended. She also made me promise that I would use an alias because she has always wanted a fake name. I thought I would take this one step further by giving a fake description of her physical characteristics, so here goes: She is a Native American albino midget in her late 40's with a lisp, but at least one good eye. Now her identity is completely safe, I can move back to the photo.

It looks like a regular birthday cake right? Wrong. If you look closely at the green leaves you will see a piece of broccoli which I was dared to place on the cake. I then took 3 0r 4 pictures of it, but no one noticed it was there until someone cut the cake an hour later.

I'm not really sure what else I can say about broccoli except that raw broccoli is one of my top 10 worst smells of all time. It ranks (typo-that should read reeks) up there with the "Lake Effect" from the Great Salt Lake. When this occurs, it is Not So Great a Salt Lake as before. The very air is rank with a stench so foul that you dare not walk out of your house while chewing gum. So I'm curious about other people's top 10 worst smells of all time. Everyone has a list of bad smells whether they realize it or not. Researchers say that smell is the sense that is most closely connected with memory. Meanwhile the "sixth sense" remains the one most closely connected with dead people and the Bruce Willis movie.

Not The Best Two Weeks

2006-12-04T10:07:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I was sick, my truck broke down, and the heating in my apartment didn't work. I missed school, work, and forked over $600 to repair my truck. Hey but some good came out of it__I missed school and work. Now I am way behind on my already way behind schedule. There's a certain amount of freedom in being completely fouled up. I mean it can't get any worse because it already got worse. Of course if there's one thing that I've learned from life, it’s that life can always get harder and more complicated. You may think life is hard, but then it just gets ridiculously harder. Then you think, ah well this is as hard as it gets. Then, suddenly, life will become absurdly hard.

Take my truck for example. I remember when I got the shifting motor on the 4 wheel drive replaced. At the time I thought that I would probably go the next 40,000 without too many more repairs. Now 40,000 miles later I look at my truck and remember such things as: The night the transmission blew, the day the clutch went out, the day it overheated, replacing my rear drum brakes, replacing a headlight, the other day it overheated, replacing a valve on the radiator, a radiator flush, broken upper and lower intake valves (all of them), broken thermostat, broken windshield wiper fluid, shattered windshield, bald tires, new tires, and another coolant flush.

Aside from all these repairs are the other broken things that I just live with. Pretty much everything underneath the hood is rusted. One of the headlights is cracked. The back window leaks when it rains. The roof and floor of the back window are molding. The left window is loose and I’m the only one that knows how to roll it up. The air conditioning seized up years ago. The windshields cracked. The water pump was leaking but stopped; the transmission fluid was leaking but stopped. The middle seat is broken. I have used patches, pliers, sealant, super glue, and duct tape. “Other than that she’s cherry!” I really should post a picture of my beautiful ford truck. It has such sentimental value which is good because otherwise it would be worthless.

My Mug

2006-11-10T15:56:00.000-08:00

http://www.myheritage.com

I know this is super trendy, but it moves!
So I tried this 3 times to see how legit it is. Two people came up again and again.
Topher Grace (weird name) and Shane Ward. Who is Shane Ward? What has he done?

Shane Ward should be uploading his image and finding a photo of me!
You can view the two other outcomes here: Outcome 2 and Outcome 3

So does this mean that if I belonged to IMF (Mission Impossible) that I would be able to disguise myself as these people? Ok, so I know it brought up some girls. All I can say in my defense is Maaaan I'm hot in either gender. I'm just glad that Alf or Boy George didn't come up in there. I'd like to see the guy that gets those two or higher than 70% on Steve Buscemi.

Changeup

2006-11-06T10:49:00.000-08:00

Previously I posted, that I eat Oatmeal every morning at work. Well, today I must confess that I am not going to. In fact, I'm going to eat Lucky Charms. Why? Perhaps it’s my Irish roots, or maybe it’s the charm of a cereal that manages to sneak in a new marshmallow flavor every two years. Ok, so it’s not really a new flavor, it’s just a new shape and color used as a Trojan horse to inject even more sugar into kids. Big Kids, like me, who have grown up but still expect the same sugar high.

Does anyone else remember when Lucky Charms only had four different mallow shapes? I wonder if there were no marshmallows when the first Irish immigrants came to America? America probably afforded them the freedom to consume mass amounts of sugar for breakfast.

So I'm out of Oatmeal and Smiths had a Cereal Sale. This "cheap factor" is why I'm just about to pour a bowlful of Lucky Charms. I know what you’re thinking. Isn't it a little dangerous to mess with success to abandon the tried and true formula? Perhaps... but today, I'm feeling Lucky.

Trying to Make Cents of it All

2006-10-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

Ok so I took a small Hiatus from posting. My life’s been very busy lately what with homework, not dating, and more homework. I figured no one would notice a short lapse in my entries. Today, I was re-awakened to my sense of civic duty when an old friend emailed me about using one of my former posts in his new stand up routine. He says he’s performing this Friday at 8:30 pm at the Wilkinson center.

Yes friends, I got through to someone! To my utter surprise, my blog is actually read and occasionally even remembered. Sure my blogs have never
uncovered a government conspiracy,
a breaking news story,
or convinced states to raise their emission standards.

But come this weekend, bored students will fork over a whopping 2 dollars to hear a blog they never read (but should have). True, it will take less than a minute for my friend to work it into his routine but at two bucks a pop, that minute is worth about 3 cents. You’ve heard about putting in your “two cents” but for one night I will be putting in my “three cents.” And so I am re-inspired to post again as I join the ranks of other faithful and obscure bloggers everywhere, in whose mighty presence I shall no longer fill ashamed. And so to blogging critics who say, “There are too many bloggers, starfish, or comedians to possibly make a difference--I say, “it made a difference to that guy.” And too you reader, I say, keep blogging! The next blog you post could touch someone’s life or maybe, just maybe, their funny bone.

Is Anyone There?

2006-10-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

Ok so my friend Rebecca reminded me that I have a blog! This was after my trip to Alaska where all cares melted away while fishing. I flew home and it was like what? School? Work? Blog? These were foreign terms that somehow didn't apply to my new fishing lifestyle. So today I had a friend introduce me to his new blog and re-inspire me to write in mine. So this blog is kinda like a shout out. You know that feeling when you’re in a big home by yourself and you hear a creek so you shout out is anyone home? Well this blog is nothing like that. It's more of a political poll to see if I still have any supporters somewhere....out there....beneath the pale moonlight. Is someone thinking of me and...Ok sorry I usually don't burst into song on my blog. How embarrassing. So I can't always control my singing. Sometimes I'll just start singing Take it Easy by the Eagles as I'm doing dishes I don't even realize till someone comments. Anyway, if you read this please leave a comment as this is a poll even if the comment is that you don't support or read my blog. Oh and here's a halibut I caught in Alaska. It's weight is somewhere between 135 lbs. and 150 lbs. It is currently under debate because it was tampered with between the time it was caught and the time it was weighed.

Lack of Comments

2006-08-24T12:47:00.000-07:00

For some bizzare reason, my last blog did not allow comments. So this blog exsists purely so readers can comment on the previous blog.

Conversing as a Kid

2006-08-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

If ever I am caught boring myself while trying to contribute to an “adult” conversation, I try to remember what made conversations of my youth so compelling. True, most childhood conversations have only one goal in mind. The goal? To prove who’s right and who’s wrong while speculating on matters that are a complete mystery. Warning! This single goal steers adult conversations in political directions. Avoid this. Instead try to focus on the curiosity, the splendid wonder, or the utter confusion you had as a kid. Where do baby’s come from? Is dad Superman? And why can’t I drive the car? Not to mention earlier questions--clothes? To answer such questions I would follow an infallible chain of child reasoning. To help you understand the “child-terrific method” let me present a few basic rules to follow (examples included).

1. Observe--During the year I am 5 years old and my sister is 7 years old; except, when I turn 6 on my birthday and she’s still just 7

2.Question--Dad is older than Mom and Grandpa is older than Grandma. Why is that?

3. Do not conduct any experiments--but if you do make sure they involve the tormenting of small helpless creatures such as crickets, “water-skeeters,” or younger siblings.

4. Keep trying & Be Positive--So far none of the 8,432 “water-skeeters” have survived living in captivity! Maybe the next batch will be stronger, maybe you need water directly out of the canal, or maybe they need food (quick! throw in: leaves, dirt, rocks, and 2 year old Easter candy that no one likes)

5. Now try spinning in the red chair as fast as you can or hang upside down till your face turns red (do not overlook this step)

6. Form sound conclusions, based purely on a whim, and then present them to others as solid facts:

Thus, I informed my older sister that one day I would catch up to her in age, tie her, and ultimately surpass her. At which point, she tried to challenge my concrete Law of Ages, “that’s stupid.”
“Yuh huh,” I’m 6 now and your still just 7 besides all men are older than all women
*Note to the reader: Although, I presented a fact to her it is not necessary. Simply saying “yuh huh” 1100 times is more than sufficient*
“Nuh uh,” she responded.
“Yuh huh,” dad’s older than mom!
At this point I felt her confidence wavering so I decided not to press the issue further or maybe I just felt like eating a Popsicle. Either way, we never spoke of it again. Secretly, I know we’re both just waiting to see what happens. The suspense!

So to my shame I did not call my sis on her recent birthday. Was it because of contradicting theories of space and time? Maybe. Whatever the reason, you can bet that I’ll write a blog specifically to apologize to my sister Holly and to pay tribute to the wonderful childhood memories she gave me.
Love you lots Holly!

Still your younger brother,
Brad

Confessions of a Weekend Loser

2006-08-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

Those that read my blog have probably heard all about my lucky Saturday evening. Well, its not all been a bed of dandylions. In an effort to balance out my weekend, I made up for Saturday by being pre-emptively anti-social on friday. I really didn't want to hang out with my roommate and his new girlfriend, so I stayed at home working on a project and watched a movie. Later I was confronted by Him, his girl, and his girl's roommate. They demanded, "Why didn't you come over?" I told them the un abashed truth. I got really into a movie. The movie? Dreamer. Ok! Big Deal. So I watched a cheesy family movie about a little girl and her horse...on a friday night...on my labtop...alone...eating cashews, but I didn't cry. I had something in my eye!! I give it two thumbs up. Ok the big question is: have I ever actually cried during a movie? Yes. Braveheart. End of story. I did go out with a girl who admitted to always crying during Halmark commercials. Every commercial. Ok, so I took the big step and told you mine, now tell me what movie you cried during. And I'm not talking about when you were five and you thought Baloo died in Jungle Book. I wanna hear about some films that are real tear jerkers.

Confessions of a Weekend Winner

2006-08-15T07:47:00.000-07:00

Those that know me have probably heard all about my lucky journey to the Soccer Real game last Saturday; however, persistent rumors and speculations have caused me to compile a list in an effort to dispel myths and brag once more.

Dinner at Rodijio's, 24th row seating at the game, and ice-cream at Coldstone all for free?
True

And I got to do this with a beautiful girl that I had never met before?
True

My date recently returned from attending Harvard?
False
She attended Haverford (probably thinking it was Harvard when she signed up)

Real won. Meanwhile, Real lost?
True
This may be confusing but Madrid and SLC both have the same name that means something to Spanish speakers everywhere.

David Beckham is married to Posh Spice?
True

Why didn't SLC use the word Royal or at least something that means something in English?
This question cannot be answered at this time.

My date and I also won at Disney's Scene it?
False
We were totally blown away! I realized that there are a ton of Disney films I have never seen
Rescuers’
Rescuers’ down under
The great Mouse detective
Snow White
Lilo and Stitch
And the list could just keep going

I have seen the incredibly obscure movie Disney movie named: The Journey of Natty Gann?
True,
I liked it when I was little, but I have not seen it recently, I'm waiting to see if it shows up in a bargain bin before renting it.

Take the Quiz Sucka!

2006-08-09T12:09:00.000-07:00

Someday something of such great importance will come along and it will have such an impact on your life that it will alter it forever. When this happens, you must never allow fear, complacency, or skepticism cause you to miss it. That day is today! It’s right now! Simply go click on the link that says Mr. T. Pop Quiz (under best waste of time). You won't regret it. Don't waste any more time reading this blog. If you are looking for that certain something to fill that big empty hole in your heart, you will not find it here. I promise that the rest of this entry contains nothing you want or need. Mr. T. would be disappointed in you if you were still reading this and not clicking on the link. He would probably say, “I pity the fool who don’t click the link and keeps reading all this Jibba Jabba!” Here, I’ll even put the link right here: Mr. T. Pop Quiz. There’s no reason for any of you to have read past that link. Ok, so are you gone yet? Cause I'm going to stop typing. I swear, you should not even be reading this part and if you don’t stop reading this part I may swear (Did you notice the clever Chiasmus?) If you did, I am impressed and also terribly disappointed that you have not yet clicked on the link. I’m going to just pretend that you haven’t read this far. I know, I’ll create a clever distraction and then I’ll put on this Ferris Buller audio tape of me sleeping. Then I can easily escape to.... Holy Batman and Robin quote! There’s something right behind you. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

A Different Kind of Crazy (Tammie C.)

2006-08-08T07:53:00.000-07:00

Wow! That last blog was way longer than it takes to watch my grandma eat! All I ever write about is me me ME! Sooooo....for a breath of fresh air I would like to write about some of my friends, their lives, and their ideas.

Kelly recently told me, "I love your blog! You’re much funnier when you’re not in person!"

I would add that I am also much better looking in per...Hey wait a tic! Another friend of mine recently told me a story. When I told her I was going to write about it she made me promise to change the names to protect the innocent. The only problem is that no one sounds very innocent in this story. I changed the names anyway, but only slightly.

So my friend, Grace Kelly, is residing in a very small town. You know it’s a small town if the deputy is also the sheriff, the mayor, and the only crook (Analogy courtesy of the Bar-J-Five). Being somewhat limited on her dating options, Grace decided to resume her former course with Wilbur Wright. Mid-flight, Grace remembered why the relationship had "nose-dived" in the past. A few months later she embarked on a new relationship with "the new guy" in town. The only catch, his name was Orville Wright. Yes, He's Wilbur's younger brother. She told me that the first time they kissed, all she could think about was how Orville kissed the exact same way as his older brother. Wow! If that’s true of everyone, then I may need to look up the sister of a girl I once knew. Anyway, a few months after her new relationship "took off", the older brother found out. The relationship soon crash landed as people were bailing out left and right. A lot of yelling occurred as it all went up in flames. Last I heard... Orville is headed back to Florida, Wilbur is heading nowhere, and Grace is trying to keep her feet on the ground.

Oatmeals N Cream

2006-08-07T13:15:00.000-07:00

I recently made a discovery. In case you have not read my profile or previous posts, I love Instant Oatmeal’s that are "Cumbustibly Delicious." If you’re cringing right now, it’s probably because you ate cement as a kid and your mom just told you it was oatmeal. Or perhaps you think of apples and cinnamon flavor. Not bad, but it’s still a flavor for amateurs. Every morning I grab two packs of Blueberries N Cream, or Strawberries N Cream, or "Some Fruit" N Cream and I heat them with the hot water spout off the water cooler. If you try this, please avoid Bananas N Cream. Its disgrossting. That’s just my opinion, but it’s true. Also never use the cold water spout, Eughhhh.

Ok, so back to my discovery. I discovered another brand, besides Quaker, that was on sale for a $1.50 a box. My excitement grew as I scanned the shelves and discovered all the fruits I had come to know and love. If successful, I could potentially eat Oatmeal till the end of time!! To my everlasting shame, it was not successful. I no longer feel like a Columbus who discovered America. Instead I feel like the guy that discovers an open sewer or a manhole by falling into it.

The worst part is that I felt in my gut that something was not quite right about Kroger Oatmeal. You know, like that feeling you get when you walk by a DVD bargain bin and something catches your eye. You pause and see a movie that you loved in your childhood? "What is this doing hear?" you wonder. Obviously, there must be some mistake! Xanadu had to be dropped in this bin on accident! I'll save you time, money, and embarrassment by telling you it was not dropped there on accident. It was produced on accident. It was probably directed by a Klutz. And burning it to a DVD was a "job costing" blunder. Trust me. It was specifically thrown into the bargain bin. If it was an accident, it was most likely some employees’ ill faded attempt at a hook shot that totally missed the trash can and bounced into the bargain bin. This may be why you run into used chewing gum in the films bins at Wal-mart. I can just see a manager rationalizing why people would buy Clash of the Titans on DVD. People like matching Coasters don't they? Or perhaps it’s a cheap alternative to clay pigeons, firewood, or doggy toys. All I know is someone or many someone’s were fired. In all fairness to the employee that burned 8,000 copies of Troll 2, he was probably drunk, stoned, and thought he was copying Gladiator.

If you, or someone you love, has ever fallen victim to the bargain bin then my heart goes out to you. To avoid future occurrences, I am going to list what I like to call "Red Flags for Rip Offs." Ideas would be appreciated as I'm sure there are some "Red Flags" that I am unaware of. Here is a list of certain words (Red Flags) to BEWARE of when making purchases:

1. Kroger Oatmeal -- sure you might save money, but you might lose your soul

2. Family Restaurant --These people are desperate for business and they know that families
eat a lot more than couples. This is why you will never see "Couples Restaurant" but you'll always find a "Pet Vet/Family Restaurant."

3. Bargain Bin/$5 DVD--Read the explanation above

4. Taco Bell/Taco Schmell--Have you ever had Grade “A” beef? Think of this as a report card and your agreeing to eat the smelly Kid that got an "F."

5. Café Rio --These are the Kings of Rip Off. People will wait hours just to be ripped off by this place. They are currently undergoing their Second Lawsuit in the last few years. Surprised? Me too, I thought they would be on their 60th by now. If I was friends with Hitler, Stahlin, Satan, Ben Laden, and Hussein I would suggest we open up a restaurant together and call it Café Rio. We would also serve Cantaloupe any time of day.

6. American—if you see this word on a package, it’s doubtful that it was made in America and if it was it was not made by American Citizens.

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore (part 2)

2006-07-31T11:08:00.000-07:00

The Point was raised what do you call someone if they are from Kansas? Darrin and I debated over this. On and on our philosophies battled each other. It was seriously 4 1/2 to 5 minutes of conversation before we concluded with our complete ignorance. I mean we both knew that people from Texas are Texans and that you also have Floridians, Oakies, and New Yorkers. So perhaps someone from Kansas can help us solve this epic mystery. Here are a few of our more brilliant ideas for people from Kansas:

Kansasonan Kansasonian Kansanian Kansasser Kansasippian Kansassian
Kans-Assasin Kansey Kansasote ka-nidget

We tried looking at ArKansas but we found the same problem in fact this lead to further ideas such as:

If someone is from Vermont are they a varmint, vermin, or a vermonteer?

If someone is from Maryland are they a Marylander or Mariner?

If someone is from Kentucky are they a Ken trucker or are they an employee of KFC?

Food for thought. No pun intended.

And the Part of THE GIRL will be played by...

2006-07-31T09:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes girls employ clever mind trickery. On second thought, scratch the "sometimes" and replace it with "always." For example, a friend of mine (girl) invited me to dinner and a carnival with a bunch of people. Sounds safe right? Wrong. Right after I agreed, she responded by saying, "Ok, but you can't ditch out on me cause you’re my date." Bam! Just like that I had agreed to go on a date with a girl I considered just a friend. What’s worse is that this put me in the role of the girl. Thus, this should sound familiar to most girls, but it offered me further perspective into foreign territory. Sure I've been asked out before, but usually my “spidey-sense” warns me.

After an hour of being frozen in the headlights, reality set in. Due to prior dumbfoundedness (look it up) I had no idea what we were doing on the date. Was it a dance, carnival, or pistols at dawn? Should I where overalls or scuba gear? Problem two, do I pay? Does she? Do we go Dutch? Lucky Dutch guys! They have a much healthier dating protocol. Where do I have to go to enjoy the Dutch dating scene? Dutchland? Deutschland? Denmark? Or Holland? If I knew, I would be there right now. Anyway, payment and dress were the least of my problems. Inexperienced in the role of the girl, I could not think of any way to avoid the impending date. The worst part was when I heard that a lot of her guy friends had bailed on her recently. So I made the most of the date. Not only did I try to make it fun, but I also did my best to openly reveal every one of my character flaws that I could think of. I held nothing back. I was like a National Enquirer reporter seeking to exaggerate even the smallest imperfections. Judging by the events of the following day, this had no effect.

The next day I awoke wiser, refreshed, and completely unawares. After all this was day 2 at “being the girl.” She came over mid-day and started hanging out. She knocked on the door and just entered. I didn’t want to be rude, brutally honest, or lie and pretend I had prior plans. After all, two days of being a girl is not enough time to erode away all of my conscience. So I began employing clever girl trickery. I started doing dishes while she was talking at me. Then I cleaned the counters. Eventually I ran out of things to clean, so I said, “I’m hungry.” This backfired as she suggested we go out to eat. Great Idea lets invite a bunch of people! I called everyone I could think of. As you can see, I started getting better at being the girl, but I’m still a rookie. I spoke to a pro on Sunday who had 22 years of experience as a girl. She said, why didn’t you just say I need to take a nap? See what I mean? (Total pro).

My brief stint in this role wasn’t all bad. I enjoyed the complete lack of responsibility to plan the date and the financial accountability to carry it out. I did not enjoy hearing that we had held hands on our date even though we hadn’t. Man some people can be so aggressive and pushy! I’m just glad it’s over and I made it through without any hot flashes, emotional episodes, or pregnancy tests.

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore

2006-07-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

So my friend Darin and I were discussing a poignant question yesterday.

Error [347.32]

Tactical Dating Maneuvers

2006-07-18T07:22:00.000-07:00

I recently learned that a friend of mine is a "pre-emptive breaker upper." As soon as she feels a hint that she's going to be thrown overboard, she quickly pushes the other person out of the relationship raft and into the shockingly cold waters. My only thought on this is what if there were no weapons of mass destruction? What if the reason for odd behavior was not a breakup, but actually a proposal in the works? This brings about the thought of little red flags that lead to a relationship civil war. For example, once, while I was dating a girl, I realized that I had never found out what she likes to do when we weren't together. Nothing was her answer. Nothing! How could that be? I questioned her about hobbies, sports, and media. She did nothing. She liked nothing, and so therefore all she did was nothing. Another friend told me that he dated a girl with no sense of humor. I said, "Don’t you mean a poor sense of humor?" He said, "NO sense of humor." I would rather date a girl with no sense of smell than one with no sense of humor. In fact this would be ideal. After all, I have a friend named Curtis who once said, "Dating is nothing more than holding in your gas all evening, while trying to think of intelligent things to say, and spending money on other people's wives." He's such an Optimist!

Breaking Up

2006-07-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been a long time. So much has happened. Work has been like a wild animal kingdom. Mice, deer, and weasel sightings are not uncommon. I think the employee of the month should have been presented with a stuffed weasel or deer. Also, everyone is getting engaged or breaking up and its not even Christmas. I figure Christmas is always the time that people evaluate the relationship in there minds, "do I really wanna get this person a Christmas gift or can I save the money by breaking up now" or do I really want to start of the new year with them or with a clean slate?" Whether the dumper or the dumpee, breakups stink. If you’re the dumpee, your heart gets trampled on and if you’re the dumper you track bleeding heart all over the carpet. A roommate once told me that he wished girls would just level with him during the breakup. He said, "No more made up excuses, I demand an explanation." Here's a thought, you’re to demanding! What he didn't realize is that the fake excuses are much more gentle then the jaggedly sharp truth. If enquiring minds really want a slap in the face, then here it is the unbridled untarnished blunt bone shattering truth.

**note: I'm sure this list is incomplete, but these are the only ones that come to mind when I have to break up with someone**

"I think we just need to take some time" --I've already wasted a lot of time and I can't stand to be around you a moment longer

"We are just two different people" --I'm good looking, your ugly, I can do better

"We have different personalities" --You don't have one

"We've grown apart" --I'm your second cousin (we're supposed to branch out)

"It’s not working out" --You need to work out (go to the Gym)

"We are headed in different directions" --Please stop following me, your Creepy

"This long distance relationship isn't working" --I've been seeing other people for months now and I have just been procrastinating this conversation

"I'm not ready for a serious boyfriend/girlfriend" --I want a funny one, you're boring

"We need to slow things down"--You're a terrible kisser, I got Whiplash trying to avoid you

"I'm not ready for commitment" --Your mental and should be committed

"I'm gay" --I hate when you cry and it’s easier to fake this then faking my own death

"We should start seeing other people" --I already do every time I look at you, in fact do you think my former girlfriend/boyfriend still likes me?

"You will find someone who will treat you right" --you need a prescription from a trained Psychologist

"I hope we can still be friends" --I really wanna date your roommate

"It's not you, its me" --It's you oh boy is it you! Just pick from one of the other excuses

"I need some time to find myself" --Get Lost

Fresh Old Meat

2006-06-20T13:20:00.000-07:00

I recently moved into Roman Gardens apartments. I’m not Roman and the whole thing is a cement jungle without any plants. Personally, I feel a little gypped. Moving, mid-semester, means that I am now “the new guy” in the complex. I can’t remember ever being “the new guy.” I’ve been “the tall guy,” “the weird guy,” “the good-looking guy,” “the ugly guy,” “the fishing guy,” and “the blogger guy” but never “the new guy.” It’s about time. So on Sunday, I felt like the “fresh meat” in my new ward as girl vultures circled in for a closer look. I had several who rapidly introduced themselves starting with their names, apartment numbers, and ring sizes. Four girls in particular decided to walk me to my car. It’s good to be “the new guy.” I trust they felt a deep sense of duty to protect, “the new guy.” While walking, one of them decided to play the “do you know Game.” I told her that I’m better with faces than names and also that it had been a while since High School. “A while,” she pondered, “when did you graduate?” I told her the blessed year of ‘97. “What about you four?” I asked. Suddenly a high pitched squeal broke the peaceful silence of the calm Sunday morning. In unison they replied, “2005!” As you can imagine, this was followed by several giggles that only 18 year old girls can fully achieve. Perhaps there will be a “new girl” next week.

A Pair of Legals?

2006-06-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I met a girl last week who claimed to be a Paralegal. I did not want to pry and find out if she was born as a Paralegal or if some tragic accident had made her thus. I think it’s nice that we create special parking and larger bathroom stalls for Paralegal's. I always love those inspiring stories where someone's hit by a car and becomes paralegaled, but later works hard and ends up walking one day; however, I hate when someone claims to be a Paralegal and then you see them walking around. People like that deprive those who are truly paralegal. Man I wanna sue people like that!

Homeless

2006-06-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

Last night I slept at my new apartment for the first time. It feels good to have an apartment again considering I moved out of my old apartment over a week ago. Now when someone asks, “Where do you live,” I no longer break out into open sobs. Now that I have been “hardened” by the cold streets of Provo, I feel it my duty to impart some of my new found street smarts. I’ve listed a few below.

#1 Did you know that 95% of homeless people are mentally ill? But I’m not. I swear
I’m not, and neither am I.

#2 Sleep in the median of freeways because the Police do not check there (I was only
told this).

#3 The Wall Street Journal is much warmer than the Daily Herald. A basic rule of
Thumb: the more want ads, the less you’ll feel the cold at night.

#4 New York times does not make good toilet paper (it’s already full of crap) Oh Burn!
It’s really bad when a homeless guy insults you!

#5 There are tons of places to hide and sleep on campus (Rebecca told me)
Perhaps Rebecca has been homeless before (considering she’s completely bonkers)

#6 Be creative! Don’t just make a cardboard house, make a cardboard palace!

#7 Expiration dates on food are just suggestions made by the non-adventurous

#8 Don’t eat yellow snow. Just trust me on this one

#9 Chicks dig homeless guys and so do dogs, rats, and skunks

#10 I once saw a skunk catch a fish with its bare hands (Right in front of me). I was not
Homeless at the time (just camping) but it was still cool.

#11 A fish bit my nose once. This is also a true story, but it also didn’t happen while I
was homeless.

#12 If you can help it, try to only be homeless during summer months.

As you can see I gained a lot of profound insight from my 8 day stint as a person without home or bed. True, perhaps after 800 days I would learn even more, but there is one lesson that everyone learns the very first day--don’t become homeless!

Flirting, Teasing, and Throwing

2006-05-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

Today a girl at work lobbed a marker at me. Yes she throws like a girl (if you’re wondering). Then a thought struck me (as well as the marker). It took me back to a simpler time of tote trays, hall passes, and my He-man lunch pale (with matching thermos). Back then flirting was so much easier! If I liked a girl there was only one thing to do. Chuck stuff at her head! Some of you will know what I speak of, but if not, now’s a good time to try it. Start small. You don’t want to throw out your arm. After all, it’s been several years since Elementary (besides you pitched like a wounded duck back then). Side Note: try to avoid a lot of parentheses in blogs (they’re very distracting). After you master pencils, erasers, and crumpled pieces of paper you can then move to the more advanced objects (tote trays, hall passes, and lunch pales). Take a few moments and try this out. I promise you’ll enjoy the trip down memory lane or down the lane to the emergency room. The main key, is never tell the person you like them, just hurl stuff until they cry or report you to a higher authority (Manager, Professor, Mother-in-Law etc.). I sure enjoyed the trip down memory lane, at least, until I regained consciousness. Hmmm, maybe she doesn’t throw like a girl (and maybe I have a chance with her).

Secret Suspicion

2006-05-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

I heard somewhere that 1 in 6 people are Chinese. I wonder if that statistic is true. It got me thinking, I have six people in my family…so logically one of us must be Chinese. I have a sneaky suspicion that it might be my brother Bob. True, Bob is 6 foot 9 inches tall, but Yao Ming, in the NBA, stands at 7 foot 5 inches tall. I mostly suspect Bob for three reasons. First, he seems to like rice (dead give away). Second, he has always taken me to weird Chinese buffets. Last of all, I selected him by process of elimination. I ruled out my Mom because she’s Canadian and my Dad because he has a full blown beard. I heard somewhere that it is genetically difficult for Chinese men to grow beards. From there I followed this same type of Logic to rule out my sisters and my other brother, Ping Le Shu.

An Unfullfilled Dream of Mine

2006-05-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just wanted to run away to China or Africa? To just disappear for 5 or 7 years? To be involved in a barroom brawl or a Civil War and several near death experiences? I have. It would be a blast! (Assuming that I would survive all sorts of near death experiences in Mongolia, Tibet, and Thailand). Then I would come home with nothing but stories, a Mongolian horseman, and scars (that have their own stories). I would almost never share any of the stories and my friend from Mongolia wouldn't either on account of his tongue being cut out in Bangkok. People wouldn't know or understand the stories, but they would see stories of adventures in my eyes. Also, they would be afraid to wake me because of my quick reflexes and the fact that I would sleep with a knife. That would be cool. Pretty much my dream boils down to people not wanting to wake me because I like sleeping in.

Advice For Summer Barbecue's

2006-05-18T07:35:00.000-07:00

Over the years I have compiled an extensive list in an effort to help summer barbecues reach their full potential. I have racked my brain in creating an endless list of non-negotiable rules that are crucial when attending or planning a barbecue. They are listed below:

Rule #1 Do not eat potatoe salad that has sat in the sun too long (Safety).

Rule #2 If your in England it is spelled "barbrecue" instead of "barbecue."

Rule #3 Do not, under any circumstances, ever ever ever put Cantaloupe in your fruit salad! I cannot stress this point enough. Cantaloupe is the Nazis Conformist fruit. It is not content with just tasting gross on its own. Oh no, Cantaloupe feels it must corrupt all other fruit in the fruit salad. First, it starts with the delicious watermelon (a nice enough melon until Cantaloupe corrupts it into tasting just like Cantaloupe). Second, Cantaloupe goes after the grapes. The grapes put up a bigger fight then the watermelon, but in the end they succumb and become sour. Third, the bananas go bad. How can you tell when a banana goes bad? I think the first sign is that it starts rallying others to its cause, but I'm digressing. Last, Cantaloupe affects the pears or apples. I list these two together because they both end up tasting like some weird fruit that is neither an apple nor a pear. All of these effects, are unnatural and irreversible. So if you really love Cantaloupe--STOP! Cantaloupe is only meant for barbecues in the deepest circle of hell. If you still love Cantaloupe, at least keep it in a separate dish. Or, better still, don't buy Cantaloupe and support its oppressive tyranny of fruits around the world.

Ahhhhhhh

2006-05-17T14:26:00.000-07:00

Ahh!!! It feels so refreshing to post something short after long winded misfortune post.

Typing Impaired

2006-05-17T14:16:00.000-07:00

Throughout myyy life I have met people who cope with stutters and other speech impediments. Latelyyyy, I have come to realize that I have a similar problem that occurs when I tyype things. I wonder if there is a support group for this?

Chain of Misfortune

2006-05-15T13:33:00.000-07:00

It would take too long to explain all the misfortune, so I'll just give some highlights. Perhaps I really should respond to chain emails...nah they are all super lame.

1. Last week, my dental appointment confirmed to me something I have long suspected. I have super human healing powers. No matter how many times the Dr. stuck me with the needle in my mouth; it never resulted in any numbness. He pumped me so full of drugs that my head started to shake. Finally, they had to take several X-rays in order to coordinate a massive combined assault on the nerves in my jaw. Eventually, modern medicine prevailed and I left the office after 3 hour.

2. Several of my co-workers told me that I look like Jim from The Office (NBC show). I never get compared. For the record, I do not look like Jim from THE OFFICE. Jim from the office looks like me.

3. I brought cereal to work last Friday. It's not that weird. David Letterman has done it for 30 years. Ok, he hasn't, but I could really use an example like that if you have one. I left my milk at work over the weekend and it went bad.

4. So today, I had to move to another computer temporarily. It really threw me off my game. I spent along time just resetting up my shortcuts, email, etc. I would have kicked the person off my computer, but it was a girl. A nice girl (and by that I mean cute), but even if she wasn't I could not kick any girl off my computer. So I have spent most of the day, on the other side of the cubicle wall, surrounded by strangers, and eating dry cereal. Ok, so I bring cereal to work on Monday also.

Power of the People

2006-05-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

Well, enough people finally pressured me into starting my own blog. Petitions, Picket Lines, and Political unrest have forced my hand. Let that be a lesson to all of you. There is no end to what you can accomplish if you get a lot of people behind you. Especially if those people are really really Big...and mean...and associated with mafia...and carry guns...and explosives...and are holding your family hostage. And by this I mean: Pretty much a whole slew of people (2) pressured me into creating a blog. So basically, this first post is a monument to the fact that when slight pressure was added--I caved.